Monument Valley (2014) has got a lot of attention since it came out. It certainly looks pretty.

Compared to an unresponsive spreadsheet you’re supposed to be working on, or compared to trying to get Hangouts to work again, it’s enticing. Next to other apps, it looks interesting. Next to other games, it’s dull.

Monument Valley is like watching a boring cartoon that keeps pausing itself and asking you to click play again. Here’s what you do:

  1. Watch girl walk
  2. Find control on pretty picture
  3. Touch it, spin it, whatever
  4. Watch girl walk
  5. Repeat for 1 hour

Imagine a picture book on your iPad with a “Turn Page” button. The story is boring as hell, but to make up for it, the “Turn Page” button moves all over the screen and is annoying to try and find.

Sold? You, me, and half a million other chumps.






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